The holiday season may be full of Nativity scenes, twinkle lights, menorahs, reflections on the good (or bad) behavior of ourselves and others, and general angelic brouhaha—but White Elephant is for the rest of us hellish little biatches. White Elephant is Satan’s time to shine, because it’s your chance to pluck presents that fly deliciously close to the gates of hell, making everyone at the holiday party wonder what you ever, ever did to deserve a wonky Garfield toy. We have never felt so seen; we have never felt so cursed. Advertisem*nt
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The Best, Most Cursed Holiday Gifts Are at Wish This Year
Mary Frances "Francky" Knapp
The best white elephant gifts should feel joyful, irreverent, and hand-crafted from the dankest corner of your intrusive Freudian thoughts. They should whisper, “You do need a butt plug shaped like London’s Gherkin skyscraper,” and give you permission to lean into the comfort of a blanket that looks like a burrito, a mask that looks like a Furby, or a coffee mug in the shape of a recycling bin. These are not presents for the idle, the boring, or the weak. They are the presents for hot, lazy, selective people. They are white elephant gift ideas that will make you seem worldly, yet mysterious—and you won’t have to break the bank… well, depending on how insistent you are on dominating the energy of the exchange.We’ve found presents for every budget, and a lot of the best white elephant gifts under $30 are, shall we say, “interesting” enough to cause physical altercations at the actual event, so prepare to watch the world burn and the attempts to swap to escalate to unforeseen, gladiatorial levels.
Welcome to the metaverse
What, you thought we still bothered with shoes? C’mon now. Free yourself from your feet prisons and rock these socks-with-sandals socks to your next formal event. Or, go full sock-ception and wear socks-with-sandals socks, with sandals. [Scratches head.]
LaughMart
Sandal Socks
$12.99 at Amazon
$12.99 at Amazon
A whole new meaning to “swamp ass”
Yes, Ma, there’s a whole cyberverse of Shrek-inspired sex toys, from penis strokers in the shape of the iconic ogre’s ear, to anal plugs (which really takes more of a Classical/Greek inspiration) for your swamp. We asked the originator of the trend, “Why?” and he told us, in not as many words (he didn’t), “Because you know you want it.”There is many a Shrek-inspired plug in the Etsy swamp:
Replica3Dco
Ogre Butt Plug
$22.83 at Etsy
$22.83 at Etsy
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What’s your fantasy?
An Elden Ring shirt in the style of a thrash metal band tee (Power Trip forever)? A Baldur’s Gate 3 top that looks sort of like an 00s rap album cover? Why not!? Give the gift of ~*culture*~.
Guzado
Elden Ring Tarnished Shirt
$17.99 at Amazon
$17.99 at Amazon
Generic
Baldur's Gate 3 Girl Dinner Shirt
$14.99 at Amazon
$14.99 at Amazon
Choo choo, eh?
Just look into those big, cold, dead eyes and tell us that you don’t want some alone time with Thomas the Leg Engine. We know—you can’t.
Heynim
Thomas The Leg Engine Pillow
$24.04$19.23 at Red Bubble
$24.04$19.23 at Red Bubble
Just a big f*ckin’ knife
VICE staffers love it. Readers love it. Your fave chef probably loves it. The Winco Chinese cleaver is an eternal kitchen masterpiece, and it’s less than $8 right now.
Winco
Chinese Cleaver
$19.53$7.88 at Amazon
$19.53$7.88 at Amazon
The gayest rom-com hat ever
Under the Tuscan Sun is pure, undiluted 2003 serotonin. What’s not to love about 113 minutes of Diane Lane renovating an Italian villa, Polish people throwing flags, and Sandra O and Kate Walsh being gay for each other?? Cop this hat from the film, and hope that your bi-wife crush picks it.
Naughty Merch
"Gay and Away" Cap
$19.99 at Etsy
$19.99 at Etsy
Meesa swole
We believe in Jar Jar supremacy in this house. Put some respect on our bro’s name with this iPhone case of a ripped Mr. Binks, and let the world know it, because that’s what Vin Diesel meant when he said “family.”
HelloCletus
Buff Jar Jar Binks iPhone Case
$34.67$20.80 at Red Bubble
$34.67$20.80 at Red Bubble
Real Gs move in silence like…
… Cursed Garfield. This uncanny valley stuffed animal of dubious origin is just freaky enough to earn a spot on our white elephant smackdown showdown. If we can’t convince you, hop on down to the product description, which reads, “The fat orange cat dumb but cute.” We (respectfully) concur.
Tabby
Fat Orange Plush Cat
$26 at Amazon
$26 at Amazon
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There’s a cult forming around this chicken bag
Oh, you haven’t heard of the chicken bag? You should leave the coop more, Brad. Anyone would be clucky (sorry) to tote this eggcellent (not sorry) bag around town. Just live your truth—even if your truth is the chicken bag.
Amazon
Chicken Crossbody Bag
$24.99 at Amazon
$24.99 at Amazon
Just add nut milk
There's something appealing and yet troubling about these candles that look just like a bowl of cereal or a sandwich—kind of like a parallel-universe version of the meticulously detailed Japanese fake food that's a true art form.
ILIKEPAR
French Vanilla Cereal Bowl Candle with Metal Spoon
$22.99 at Amazon
$22.99 at Amazon
Friends NYC
Fancy Finger Food Sandwich Candle
$24.99 at Friends NYC
$24.99 at Friends NYC
Reduce, reuse…
Mmmmm. There’s no better way to start your day than downing a bright blue can of hot recycling sludge, thanks to this very interesting mug. Your white elephant counterparts will agree.
BigMouth, Inc.
Recycle Bin Coffee Mug
$16.49 at Amazon
$16.49 at Amazon
The time for IBS pride is here
This is a great shirt to wear to literally any gathering where you want people to know that you refuse to be ashamed of your irritable bowel syndrome, from funerals and christenings to divorce proceedings and arraignments. (Judges love it!)
Guarda Street Tees
Funny IBS T-Shirt
$15.99 at Amazon
$15.99 at Amazon
A pillow that knows all your neuroses
“Cushion Your Dreams” with this plush pillow shaped like the oft-referenced psychoanalyst who made us all feel weird about our parents, Sigmund Freud.He knows what you’re thinking… and not just because he sees you while you’re watching Survivor.
The Unemployed Philosophers Guild
Freud Stuffed Portrait Pillow
$24.95 at Amazon
$24.95 at Amazon
An ambient potato light
Nothing but love and respect for my president, the Smoko potato lamp. If you stare into its suds eyes for 45 minutes straight, you’ll see The Creator (spoiler: god’s just another potato).
Smoko
Tayto Potato Ambient Light
$22$17 at Smoko
$22$17 at Smoko
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Vermouth lovers only
Know someone who loves Drake, Negronis, and/or novelty shirts? This shirt might be in god’s plan for them.
Mover & Shaker
Well Woes T-Shirt
$28 at Mover & Shaker
$28 at Mover & Shaker
Grateful Dead lights (to leave up year-round)
Going down the road feeling festive? You bet they are. These Grateful Dead string lights will bring them that Jerry Joy throughout the darker months of winter.
Grateful Dead
Dancing Bear Lights
$39$19.71 at Amazon
$39$19.71 at Amazon
Some horny oil
Thousands of people who might otherwise not have gotten laid have definitely gotten their freak on thanks to this pheromone oil. Hope the right person ends up with this one!
Pure Instinct
The Original Pheromone Infused Essential Oil
$23.95$16.95 at Amazon
$23.95$16.95 at Amazon
For your Ask Jeeves roleplay
Did you find what you were looking for? Did you enter the right [redacted] into the tool bar? Try again, champ. This time, with more lube.
Male Basics
Tuxedo Lace Thong
$28.99 at Walmart
$28.99 at Walmart
Alright, let’s wrap it up, folks
Now is the time of year where becoming a blanket burrito is 100% acceptable—and honestly, encouraged.
CASOFU
Double Sided Giant Flour Tortilla Throw Blanket
$40$14.95 at Amazon
$40$14.95 at Amazon
Honorable mention, if you're ready to commit: a hairless Furby
Yes, it's $75—which is more than is typically spent on what is essentially a joke gift. But are you here to rock this white elephant gift party, or not? And if the answer is an emphatic "yes," how else can you really up the cursedness quotient than by introducing a viscerally naked Furby into the mix?
TheDustyTentacle
Forbidden Hairless Furb
$75 at Etsy
$75 at Etsy
However, if you must keep your purse strings tight, this affordable Furby mask is also an option:
Hasbro
1990s White Furby Halloween Mask
$19.99 at Etsy
$19.99 at Etsy
Now get on outta here—you’ve got some stampeding to do.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.
